I absolutely adore babies. I love watching them discover new things. I love making them smile. I love their belly laughs and their tiny toes. Their poops don’t bother me. (Especially after becoming a nurse… adults make WAY more poop.)

All that said, it’s easy to see why I was excited to visit the Casog orphanage with Mercy Ministries hoping to spend some serious time snuggling babies. When we arrived, we were told they currently had 17 babies under the age of one year old.

When I walked into the “baby room”, all the cribs were neatly lined along the wall with a little bundle sleeping in each bed. Suddenly, I felt very overwhelmed. Even with working on mother/baby units in nursing school, I had never seen so many babies in one place!

As we spoke with the caretakers, we were told that just about all of the babies lost their mothers in childbirth. I also learned that most of these babies were twins… or more accurately… they used to have a twin.

In my nurse brain, I understood why the mothers had difficulty giving birth to twins, with no access to a hospital or maybe even a doctor… there is more to go wrong with two births rather than one. I know that one twin is typically physically stronger or healthier than the other. This could cause one twin to survive and one to not. However, we were told that there was a bad outbreak of a mosquito transmitted disease among the babies a few months prior. Several of the babies were lost.

But as I’m digesting this information, I coo and cuddle with each baby as they wake up from nap time…

One is all smiles and giggles. She wants to study my face and be friends. I think, what did her twin brother or sister’s smile look like? Were they identical? Did the world once have two of these grins?

Another one bounces on my lap to the beat of the music outside. As she bobs and sways in my hands, I wonder… Did her twin brother or sister love to dance? Would her twin be about this size too?

Another little one closely watches as a staff member takes pictures. She carefully studies the colors of the clothes on the shelf. I ask myself, Where will her creativity take her? What would her twin have been interested in?

You know, I’ve read about infant mortality rates. It was a required number to slap on posters for projects in high school. I saw them in textbooks in college.  I’m sure I glossed over those figures as I did research preparing to come here. I could tell you that Guinea is in the top 15% of highest infant mortality rates in the world. I could give you exact numbers and statistics on life expectancy and poverty levels…

But it is staggering how much bigger those numbers get, when for a moment, you only have eyes for one.

There is a very real, warm, and squirmy weight… with delicate fingers and chubby leg rolls… to those numbers now. It’s a weight I’ve been grappling to come to terms with this week. I’ve been asking God to forgive my calculated distance and naïveté. I’m praying we will let Him lead us to a better way.

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On a hopeful note… most of these babies still have a dad or grandparents. Their families just couldn’t take care of a little baby… especially after losing Mom. But once the babies are about a year old, the plan is for them to return home to their family.