I stared down at the casket in front of me and felt like a complete failure. My job was to keep these lungs breathing. My goal was to get this tissue the nutrition it needed to heal. My strategy was to time pain and nausea medication for comfortable visits with family and friends. And I had begged God for answers. I begged God for a miracle. In the end, I begged God for a little more time.

But my dear friend… my patient… was gone. In that moment, I felt none of the closure or comfort I hoped for in coming to his service. All I could think about was how much I already missed him… and all of my inadequacies along the way. The times I spoke instead of listened, left instead of stayed, too slow, too fast, too early, too late.

I wondered, There is so much I could have done better… I knew him more than any other patient and I still missed so much! How long can I keep doing this? How many times can a heart break? 

Feeling myself sinking, I looked up and saw my patient’s Bible on the table. When I stepped closer, I saw it was opened to his favorite verse. But for some reason, I started to read the chapter on the next page. The end of the psalm made a promise…

For I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

What a thing to read at a funeral! It’s boldness beamed at me with a blinding light as I sat in the dark place of pain and sorrow. For such a long time it felt like my heart had been working by candlelight… with just enough illumination for the moment. I couldn’t quite comprehend this promise. It would take some time for my eyes to adjust.

Last year was the most difficult of my nursing career, but never have I been more aware of God’s faithfulness and provision. My self doubt was met with His direction. My regret was met with His grace. My hope was strengthened by His love. I know, now more than ever,  that He is with me. When I face the unknown, I can do so boldly while holding His hand.

God lets no heartbreak go to waste. These lessons got me to Africa. I don’t know how I would have made it here without them. They have sustained me through my time living and working on this ship.

And so very often… as I sit with my patients at our HOPE Center… and when I meet new patients on the ward… and as I see faces smile for the first time… and while I watch Love restore light to my patients eyes…

I am reminded.

I have seen the goodness of God in the land of the living.